Sweaty Thumbstick

Issue 4

2010-08-08T15:36:00.002-07:00

Australia Takes Further Steps to Tackle Pedophiles

Australia has taken drastic measures to tackle its growing pedophile problem by introducing another seemingly bizzarre law. After intoducing a law banning pornographic images featuring women with small breasts a few months ago, Austalian PM Bruce Ramsay-Erinsborough called a press conference to reveal the new law.

The law, named The Bonza Wappers Bill, states that "Anyone found to be engaging in sexual acts with any female with breasts smaller than a partially inflated mini football shall be punched in the face by Russel Crowe. Offenders will also have to serve community service in the form of guest starring in a special episode of Neighbours warning the public of the dangers of leaving your children with babysitters who later turn out to be flaming pedos."

The move has outraged small breasted women across Australia and a large group of them have gathered outside the PM's ranch in protest. Bruce Ramsay-Erinsborough has declined to give an official statement on the matter, but has been overheard saying "Crikey Sheila, if these children don't get off my lawn by the time I finish my Fosters, I'll have to call their parents."

New Info Leaked on "Britain MMO"

Limeysofts new game, codenamed "Britain MMO", has been in developement for some time now and we were beginning to wonder if the game was still in development. But new information has been leaked recently about the game's races, reassuring the fans of its ongoing development.

Here are some of the races on offer and their associated perks:

White
Race Traits
Heroic Racism: Damage dealt to races other than white is increased 10%
Mob Mentality: When in groups of 5 or more white players, strength is increased by 10%. Inteligence however is decreased 15%
Exploitation: If a white character is in a group with other races, the white player gains and extra 10% gold per non white player in the group, whilst all non white players gain 10% less.

Black
Race Traits
Presence: If a black player is the only black player in a group, popularity is increased 50%, causing buffs and healing effects to increase dramatically. However, if 5 or more black players form a group, popularity decreases 50%, causing extra hostility from enemies, especially the law.
Intimidate: Can intimidate other characters. Works better on higher level enemies (i.e. the elderly)

Oriental
Race Traits
Gaijin: All spells aimed at friendly Oriental players is increased by 20%, whilst all spells aimed at other races are decreased by 20%
Pearl Harbour: Gains 10% attack power if attacking a wounded enemy
Gozirra: Naturally talented at bringing down massive enemies

Asian
Race Traits
Taxi: Asian characters gain a 20% speed boost whilst mounted
Bhurka: Asian characters gain a 40% boost in stealth
Bargaining: Asian characters gain a 5% discounts at NPC shops

Pirates Get Clever

With the new Digital Economy Bill in place, users of illegal torrents have taken to more "creative" means of distributing their illegal wares. In an attempt to mask their filesharing of copyrighted material, they have started intentionally misspelling the names of their games, music and movies. We take a look at ways to foil those pesky lawmen and their bizarre "don't steal our shit" laws.

Next Months Stories

Tails reveals inferiority complex
Guitar Hero: Anne Hathaway
Call of Duty world champion develops gulf war syndrome

Issue 3

2010-04-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

Secret Animal Smuggling Ring Exposed

Customs officials at Birmingham airport stopped a male youth trying to smuggle animals into the country yesterday. But what makes this case so unusual is the method in which the animals were being transported, which was described by police as "Excessively cruel and barbaric".

The youth, who can only be identified as "Red" due to his age, was stopped at 3:15am last night trying to enter the UK via Birmingham Airport. He had flown in moments earlier from Johto, a small island in the Bahamas. Customs officials were alarmed to find "Tiny animal skeletons" appearing on their baggage scanners. "When we looked closer at the scans" says Derek Witherspoon, customs official "we saw that the skeletons were distorted, as if they had been crammed into something. When we opened his bag, we discovered that they had been forced into tiny capsules. We opened them as soon as we could to see if they were still alive. This proved to be a mistake as the animals inside were much bigger than their capsules implied. I can only describe one as a giant dragon of sorts. I've never seen anything like it, it was thrashing all over the baggage scan area. It was a nightmare to control. We had to tranquilise it in the end. Poor bastard, he was clearly distraught at being stored in such ludicrous conditions"

"We interviewed "Red" and we believe he is linked to some sort of cruel animal fighting racket." Said Reginald Winters, the officer in charge of the investigation. "Early reports tell us that the animals are caught in the wild, crammed into these comically tiny capsules and are only released when they are needed in a fight. Once the animals are released they are forced to fight until one faints. They are then healed and forced to go through it again. It's barbaric. We are currently investigating further"

Customs officials also found various drugs in the boys backpack, stored neatly in a separate pocket. Some of the labels on the drugs containers included "Max Ether", "X Speed" and "HP Up". Police are currently analysing the drugs, but currently believe them to be performance enhancers.

Sony Take Further Measures to Tackle Piracy

After removing the Other OS feature from PS3s via a recent update, Sony have decided to remove another feature from the console to deter software pirates: the PS3s disc drive. "We have discovered that the PS3s disc drive is being used by pirates to play copied games, so we have thought about it long and hard and have decided to send a man named Tony around to every PS3 owners house and weld the drive shut. Obviously we don't take this decision lightly, but we decided it was best for all involved."

We've been given a document that describes in detail Sony's new plan, which we have summarised for easy reading:

Sony will send Tony around to every PS3 owners house and weld the Bluray drive shut with a special tool. This process should take around 5 minutes, substantially shorter than most PS3 updates.
The owner of the PS3 will be able to opt out of the update. Owners choosing to opt out will be declared a Peadophile and Tony will inform The Daily Mail of the owners address. We have been told The Daily Mail's Angry Unruly Mob (DMAUM) response time has been recorded as half a day.
This update effects the PS3 Slim and PS3 "Fat".

Sony are yet to comment on rumoured updates to remove further functions of the PS3, including the USB ports, trophies and power switch.

Next Months Stories:

Kojima: "Why Doritos are the only delicious snack I need".
Kojima: "Why Axe is the totally fresh burst of summer"
Kojima: "Why Mountain Dew keeps me alert and ready for the day"

Issue 2

2010-03-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

Mario Escapes Immigration Officers

Mario once again thwarted Immigration Officers' attempts to detain him yesterday, leaving one officer in a "critically squashed condition". Police are continuing their ongoing hunt for the Italian plumber.

Officers were alerted to the illegal immigrants whereabouts by Irene Shufflebotham of Little Shattlesborough. "My kitchen sink had started leaking all over the place on a New Orleans scale, so I called the local plumbers." said Shufflebotham. "They said their usual plumber was out of town, so they would send a temp. As soon as he arrived, I knew I recognised him from somewhere. It took me an hour or so to figure it out. I called the police when I left the room to make him a cup of tea."

Once Immigration Officers arrived, Mario fled the scene via the pipe he was working on. Officers has already cordoned off the other end of the pipe as a precaution, but Mario fought his way past the officers, jumping on Darrel Ovuer and leaving him a good 4 foot shorter.

Darrels doctor gave the following statement "We're still trying to determine his exact condition, but put it this way: he wont be playing basketball again".

The police have advised the public to avoid confronting Mario and call their local police station as soon as possible if he is spotted.

Heavy Rain Set To Be a Trilogy

With the first chronicle out now and others on the way, Quantic Dream aren't content with coasting on the success of Heavy Rain and have already announced 2 sequels, "Stiff Breeze" and "Chuffing Cold". Both games will be separate stories from Heavy Rain, but feature a similar killer who uses the weather to kill his or her victims and also has a fascination with a certain hobby.

In Stiff Breeze, players must track down the Backgammon Killer, who attaches a noose to the shaft of wind turbines, which slowly lynches his victims as the blades turn. Players again take control of 4 seemingly unrelated characters who slowly become entwined in each others stories. Rumours name the characters as a lawyer who neglects his family, a prostitute with a heart of gold, a Scandinavian lumberjack and an 8 year old girl who suffers from mysterious headaches.

Chuffing Cold focuses on the Water Polo Killer, who goes round retirement homes, gradually turning down the thermostats causing the victims to die of hypothermia. This time the characters at the players disposal are rumoured to be a depressed clown, a haemophiliac internet blogger, a war criminal and a polar bear. Quantic Dream have promised that Chuffing Cold will be "the epic climax to the trilogy that fans deserve" and will "change gaming forever".

Peter Molyneux's Milo To Include "Alzheimer's Mode"

More information was revealed to the press yesterday on Peter Molyneux's first Natal game, Milo. He revealed that Milo will feature an "Alzheimer's Mode" where Milo will respond to any name the player gives, even if it changes throughout gameplay. Peter had this to say about the inclusion: "We want to attract all types of people, even people who have never even thought about playing video games. We figured that Alzheimer's sufferers are probably the least likely people to have thought about video games, mainly because they are too busy trying to remember where they left the remote control or how long to microwave their medication for."

Alzheimer's Mode isn't just about allowing access for elderly gamers, it also helps with the recovery from the condition. If the player calls Milo by his actual name when Alzheimer's Mode is activated, the game dispenses a Worthers Original from a special peripheral (sold separately we're informed).

We had a quick patronising chat with a couple of the testers of Alzheimer's Mode:

"I really enjoyed playing with Terry, he helped me put the cat in the toaster and find a cure for pancakes" - Mildred Slapcabbage

"Oh hi Steve. Hey Barbara, it's my grandson Steve here to visit me. Come look at how handsome he's become! It's so great you've come to visit me Graham, how's your mother?" - Gerald Wilburforce

"For fucks sake, I'm not an Alzheimer's patient! I really did have a son! They kidnapped him! Why won't anyone listen to me?!" - Olive Alderidge

Next Months Stories:

Tails' Sex Tape
Australia Completely Loses The Plot On Internet Censorship
Thelma And Louise: The Game Preview
And More!

Issue 1

2010-02-03T15:13:00.001-08:00

Hungover Ryu Marries Wrong Ken

After the shock announcement that Street Fighters Ryu and Ken were officially an item, they quickly announced that it was their recent engagement that had prompted them to "come out" to the public.

However, their civil partnership got off to a rocky start as Ryu, fuelled by a particularly heavy bachelor party, showed up to the altar with the wrong Ken.

Ken Carson had this to say about his brief encounter with the Street Fighter star:

"Ryu was like out on his bachelor party and was having a totally ace time. He was like totally the life of the party and junk. He came over to me and was all like "Dude, you're totally hot and rad. I want to touch your face a whole bunch". I was like totally flattered. We went back to his totally awesome hotel room and he fell asleep before anything happened. The next morning he woke up as was all like "Shit! The wedding!". Before I knew it, he had dragged me to the altar and was reading his vows. It would have been, like, really rude not to go along with it."

Luckily for Ryu, the civil partnership was annulled. Ken Masters declined to comment on the matter.

Sir Patrick Moore "Had It Up To Fucking Here" With Zelda 3

Sir Patrick Moore shunned fans of Channel 4s cult computer games show GamesMaster the other day by telling a group of youths to "Fuck off and go do one! I'm not GamesMaster, I have a fucking torso for Christs sake! You can shove Zelda 3 up your fucking arse!"

The incident started when a group of youths from Cheltenham approached Sir Patrick and asked him for advice on Zelda 3 on the SNES, a popular request on the "consoletation zone" section of the TV show.

We approached Sir Patrick and asked for his version of events:

"I've just had it up to fucking here with GamesMaster. I mean, I'm trying to look at the stars and shit and all I get it youths asking me for advice on Zelda 3. I've never even played the game for fucks sake! I wish I'd never agreed to do GamesMaster sometimes."

Sir Patrick went on to apologise for his actions and explained that he was having a bit of a bad day. The youths never got their advice on Zelda 3.

Career Highlight: Chad Hornet

With the upcoming release of Sega Racing Classic in the arcades, we interviewed Chad Hornet (Pronounced Horn-ay, he's French) for his view on his rise to Daytona USA fame.

ST: Hi Chad, it's good to see you here in the UK promoting Sega Racing Classic.
CH: It's good to be here. I've always been a fan of the UK. The history, the architecture, the prostitute knife fights, I love it all!
ST: That's good to hear. Most people will know you from your starring role in Daytona USA, but your career hasn't always been starring roles and red carpets, has it Chad?
CH: I wish I could say it has, but you're right. I moved to America from France in hope of becoming a video game actor. Luckily I made it in the end, but it was a rough start. My first few years in America was spent as a taxi in Wisconsin. I was signed up with an acting agency, but they were slow to find me work. After a few years, they got me a gig as the car that got beaten up in Street Fighter 2. It was a rough job, but it opened the door into the lifestyle.
ST: What was it like being beaten up by some of the best Street Fighters in the world on a daily basis?
CH: I wont lie, it was tough. Fortunately for me, Capcom have an excellent mechanic and bodyshop.
ST: Where did you go from there?
CH: Well I helped promote SF2 for a while. I mainly covered the conventions and shows that the main stars couldn't make it to. I basically drove the staff out to the shows, parked up in the stands and kids would be allowed to re-enact the game and kick the crap out of me. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but after a few shows a kid got a bit carried away and shattered his liver on my wing mirror. After that, the kids weren't allowed near me at shows and I had to be displayed behind a velvet rope. I missed being able to interact with my fans, but I did feel important behind that rope!
ST: I bet! What happened after SF2?
CH: Things went a bit quiet after that. I mainly took background roles in other computer games. One day, I got a call from my agent about a job in Daytona. I was skeptical about moving at first, but I decided to give it a try. I figured I couldn't stay in Wisconsin all my life. I showed up at the Daytona track and was asked to do a few laps. I was so nervous that I almost crashed on the first corner! The Sega staff were so friendly though, so my nerves soon went away. I waited for a few weeks and got a call from Sega letting me know that I had got the job. After that it was all a whirlwind of promo shoots, merchandising and acting. It was great! They even let me display my name on my bonnet, it was a dream job!
ST: What was it like after Daytona USA?
CH: After all the fame and fortune of Daytona, life felt a bit empty. I liked the peace and quiet though. I just took time to relax and unwind with my wife, Compact Pussycat (of Wacky Races fame). I was set money wise, but I occasionally took other roles to keep myself occupied. The most memorable of which was my cameo in Fighters Megamix. I loved that role as it reminded me of my time in SF2. It was good to be dishing out the beatings instead of taking them! Then the Daytona USA sequel came out and it was back to the frantic lifestyle of a celebrity.
ST: Since Daytona USA, your career has been almost exclusively sequels and cameos. Do you ever get fed up of playing the same character?
CH: Not really. I know I'm not the most versatile actor, but I'm good at what I do. I'm happy with that.
ST: Any plans for the future?
CH: After Sega Racing Classic, I'm pretty happy to hang up my racing tyres and slip into a nice pair or retirement slippers. I've been asked to lend my engine noise to the new Gran Turismo, but I turned it down. I've done the whole celebrity thing, I want to start a family with Compact now. I'd love to have the sound of Little Tikes zooming round the house!
ST: Thanks for your time Chad!
CH: Always a pleasure!

Super "Casual" Game Proving To Be Massive Hit

Super Happy Wafty Puppy Fun ("Super Happy" to the fans) was released earlier this week and is proving to be hugely popular with children and adults alike. The game is described as an "open world game where the player chooses their own goals and pursues them with the help of their obscenely cute puppy companion, Wafty". The game involves the player wafting the Wiimote in a manner akin to an epileptic person trying to strangle a snake whilst Wafty bounces around in an adorable and increasingly random manner. When asked about the open ended nature of Super Happy Wafty Puppy Fun, creator Graham Greensnatcher had this to say: "The goal of Super Happy varies wildly depending on who is playing it. One player may want the puppy to flail its limbs like a dieing mime artist, whilst one player will want him to wobble around like a retarded toddler, which incidentally is the target audience. When I play the game, I like to get Wafty to remind me of how many yachts I can now afford. It's totally down to the player!"

We went down to our local Game store to get the public opinion on Super Happy Wafty Puppy Fun.

"This game is so deep and emotionally involving. I mean, it really shows the nature of human bonding, even with different species. Super Happy is the defining game of this generation, perhaps of any generation!" - Virgil Neversexed, I.T. Consultant

"Super Happy is selling a shitload! It's a great time to run a video game store!" - Ian Underward, Game Manager

"Frankly, this game is beneath me" - Shelly Littlechild, Little Girl

Next Months Stories

Dizzys fragile lifestyle hell
Sega on Shenmue 3: "La la la, I can't hear you!"
Nintendo finally apologises for Virtual Boy
And more!