Mario Escapes Immigration Officers
Mario once again thwarted Immigration Officers' attempts to detain him yesterday, leaving one officer in a "critically squashed condition". Police are continuing their ongoing hunt for the Italian plumber.
Officers were alerted to the illegal immigrants whereabouts by Irene Shufflebotham of Little Shattlesborough. "My kitchen sink had started leaking all over the place on a New Orleans scale, so I called the local plumbers." said Shufflebotham. "They said their usual plumber was out of town, so they would send a temp. As soon as he arrived, I knew I recognised him from somewhere. It took me an hour or so to figure it out. I called the police when I left the room to make him a cup of tea."
Once Immigration Officers arrived, Mario fled the scene via the pipe he was working on. Officers has already cordoned off the other end of the pipe as a precaution, but Mario fought his way past the officers, jumping on Darrel Ovuer and leaving him a good 4 foot shorter.
Darrels doctor gave the following statement "We're still trying to determine his exact condition, but put it this way: he wont be playing basketball again".
The police have advised the public to avoid confronting Mario and call their local police station as soon as possible if he is spotted.
Heavy Rain Set To Be a Trilogy
With the first chronicle out now and others on the way, Quantic Dream aren't content with coasting on the success of Heavy Rain and have already announced 2 sequels, "Stiff Breeze" and "Chuffing Cold". Both games will be separate stories from Heavy Rain, but feature a similar killer who uses the weather to kill his or her victims and also has a fascination with a certain hobby.
In Stiff Breeze, players must track down the Backgammon Killer, who attaches a noose to the shaft of wind turbines, which slowly lynches his victims as the blades turn. Players again take control of 4 seemingly unrelated characters who slowly become entwined in each others stories. Rumours name the characters as a lawyer who neglects his family, a prostitute with a heart of gold, a Scandinavian lumberjack and an 8 year old girl who suffers from mysterious headaches.
Chuffing Cold focuses on the Water Polo Killer, who goes round retirement homes, gradually turning down the thermostats causing the victims to die of hypothermia. This time the characters at the players disposal are rumoured to be a depressed clown, a haemophiliac internet blogger, a war criminal and a polar bear. Quantic Dream have promised that Chuffing Cold will be "the epic climax to the trilogy that fans deserve" and will "change gaming forever".
Peter Molyneux's Milo To Include "Alzheimer's Mode"
More information was revealed to the press yesterday on Peter Molyneux's first Natal game, Milo. He revealed that Milo will feature an "Alzheimer's Mode" where Milo will respond to any name the player gives, even if it changes throughout gameplay. Peter had this to say about the inclusion: "We want to attract all types of people, even people who have never even thought about playing video games. We figured that Alzheimer's sufferers are probably the least likely people to have thought about video games, mainly because they are too busy trying to remember where they left the remote control or how long to microwave their medication for."
Alzheimer's Mode isn't just about allowing access for elderly gamers, it also helps with the recovery from the condition. If the player calls Milo by his actual name when Alzheimer's Mode is activated, the game dispenses a Worthers Original from a special peripheral (sold separately we're informed).
We had a quick patronising chat with a couple of the testers of Alzheimer's Mode:
"I really enjoyed playing with Terry, he helped me put the cat in the toaster and find a cure for pancakes" - Mildred Slapcabbage
"Oh hi Steve. Hey Barbara, it's my grandson Steve here to visit me. Come look at how handsome he's become! It's so great you've come to visit me Graham, how's your mother?" - Gerald Wilburforce
"For fucks sake, I'm not an Alzheimer's patient! I really did have a son! They kidnapped him! Why won't anyone listen to me?!" - Olive Alderidge
Next Months Stories:
Tails' Sex Tape
Australia Completely Loses The Plot On Internet Censorship
Thelma And Louise: The Game Preview
And More!