Secret Animal Smuggling Ring Exposed
Customs officials at Birmingham airport stopped a male youth trying to smuggle animals into the country yesterday. But what makes this case so unusual is the method in which the animals were being transported, which was described by police as "Excessively cruel and barbaric".
The youth, who can only be identified as "Red" due to his age, was stopped at 3:15am last night trying to enter the UK via Birmingham Airport. He had flown in moments earlier from Johto, a small island in the Bahamas. Customs officials were alarmed to find "Tiny animal skeletons" appearing on their baggage scanners. "When we looked closer at the scans" says Derek Witherspoon, customs official "we saw that the skeletons were distorted, as if they had been crammed into something. When we opened his bag, we discovered that they had been forced into tiny capsules. We opened them as soon as we could to see if they were still alive. This proved to be a mistake as the animals inside were much bigger than their capsules implied. I can only describe one as a giant dragon of sorts. I've never seen anything like it, it was thrashing all over the baggage scan area. It was a nightmare to control. We had to tranquilise it in the end. Poor bastard, he was clearly distraught at being stored in such ludicrous conditions"
"We interviewed "Red" and we believe he is linked to some sort of cruel animal fighting racket." Said Reginald Winters, the officer in charge of the investigation. "Early reports tell us that the animals are caught in the wild, crammed into these comically tiny capsules and are only released when they are needed in a fight. Once the animals are released they are forced to fight until one faints. They are then healed and forced to go through it again. It's barbaric. We are currently investigating further"
Customs officials also found various drugs in the boys backpack, stored neatly in a separate pocket. Some of the labels on the drugs containers included "Max Ether", "X Speed" and "HP Up". Police are currently analysing the drugs, but currently believe them to be performance enhancers.
Sony Take Further Measures to Tackle Piracy
After removing the Other OS feature from PS3s via a recent update, Sony have decided to remove another feature from the console to deter software pirates: the PS3s disc drive. "We have discovered that the PS3s disc drive is being used by pirates to play copied games, so we have thought about it long and hard and have decided to send a man named Tony around to every PS3 owners house and weld the drive shut. Obviously we don't take this decision lightly, but we decided it was best for all involved."
We've been given a document that describes in detail Sony's new plan, which we have summarised for easy reading:
Sony will send Tony around to every PS3 owners house and weld the Bluray drive shut with a special tool. This process should take around 5 minutes, substantially shorter than most PS3 updates.
The owner of the PS3 will be able to opt out of the update. Owners choosing to opt out will be declared a Peadophile and Tony will inform The Daily Mail of the owners address. We have been told The Daily Mail's Angry Unruly Mob (DMAUM) response time has been recorded as half a day.
This update effects the PS3 Slim and PS3 "Fat".
Sony are yet to comment on rumoured updates to remove further functions of the PS3, including the USB ports, trophies and power switch.
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